Lose Yourself
by toomuchchampagne
Summary: PostJourney, Quinn has to deal with the aftermath of her pregnancy. It's hard. Way harder than she thought. So she starts running, trying to lose herself in her race. Until she runs into Mike Chang. Can he help her cope ? Mike/Quinn, Quinn-centric Hiatus
1. It's all over

Disclaimer : I don't own anything.

Summary : Post Journey, Quinn as to deal with the aftermath of her pregnancy. It's hard. Way harder than she thoughts. So she starts running, trying to lose herself in her race. Until she runs into Mike Chang. Can he help her cope ? Quinn centric and a lot of song-fic moment (it's glee !) and Eminem references (sorry).

NB : Sorry if there's errors, I think I checked everything but english isn't my first language. I'm french and currently looking for a Beta-reader (if there's any volonteer please contact me).

* * *

**It's all over - Broken family band**

It's the end.

Everything is over.

Her belly, so round and full less than a week ago is now empty.

She's empty.

Alone, nothing else than the void.

She's gone. Her little baby girl is gone.

And the worst part is, she's the one who gave her away.

Now it's over.

Her mom tries to smile when she wakes up in her hospital room, and it doesn't make her feel all warm and comfy like it use to. It doesn't make her feel anything.

It's even worst when she drives her home. Home. Even this word feels strange now. But when she gets there, and passes the door of the house she grew up in, she feels nothing at all.

And she knows she's supposed to feel something, anything. Joy, relief, sadness, anything.

But it seems the only thing she's able to feel right now is this fucking emptiness.

She avoids her mom concerned/guilty looks and walk right through her room. She opens the door to find it in the same state that she is.

Empty.

- Your Dad gave most of your stuffs to the church after you left. There's still your mattress so, you knew that you can't give an used mattress ? said her mom nervously, in a sharp voice.

The surreality of the moment makes Quinn wants to laugh, but she doesn't even manage to let out a sarcastic smile. She can't. She's too tired, too empty.

- I'm sorry Quinn, we're gonna go buy you new furnitures as soon as possible okay ? It might even be fun. I'm sorry Quinnie, please just say something...

- I'm tired and I really want to be alone right now.

Her voice sounds broken, it kinds of surprises her. Her mother seems close to tears and there's still this sorry looks tattooed all over her face. But right now she doesn't care. She just can't deal with her right now. So she heartlessly steps into the room and shut the door on the blond woman.

There's nothing left except the mattress and a cross on the wall.

It's supposed to be over.

She almost fall on the mattress and just lay across it for a while. It's over now, right ?

- Um, Quinn ? asks her mom voice hesitantly. Dinner's ready. I mean, if you want to.

How much time has passed ? Her eyes instinctively lift to watch the clock, but even this isn't here anymore. Checking on her cell phone she sees it's almost eight. It's time to do normal everyday things, as trivial as eating. Cause yay, apparently there's still normal everyday things without Beth.

The name of her little girl brings her out of her numbness, and quickly she can taste the salty tears running down her face.

It was supposed to be over.

I could hold, your beautiful hands  
And kiss, your beautiful eyelids  
Throw open, your beautiful doors  
And phone, your beautiful friends

But it's all over  
It's all over  
It's all over  
It's all over

* * *

Review please


	2. And then what ?

So the first chapters are very short but the next will be longer, and yes don't worry they will actually include Mike. I first intended to make this a very long oneshot so that's why the cutting is weird.

And a little bonus for all of you gleeks, this video apart from being the funniest video ever was like a sign from Dianna Agron telling me that I should actually post this fanfiction. Enjoy !

.com/watch?v=w_BgWVCOO8w

* * *

She lived the next days in total prostration. Barely eating and talking.

She gets concerned looks from her mother and concerned texts from her friends. Hell, she even gets texts from Rachel.

But she's too busy being apathetic to answer anyone.

She's too busy dealing with this one question she can't help to ask herself over and over again.

**And then what ?**

It's not like she can rule the celibacy club anymore. Or like she wants to go back on the Cheerio's squad.

It's not like her dad's going to forgive her or forget. Or anyone else for that matters.

She will never get her perfect life back, she knows that.

Her perfect boyfriend, her perfect family, her perfect body, her popularity. She knew it. She knew it before deciding not to have an abortion.

But what is she supposed to do ? Cause apparently everyone expect her to do something, otherwise they wouldn't be harrassing her with texts, calls and surpised visits to her house. So yeah, apparently she's supposed to do something more than just lying there in an empty room she refused to furnish.

She doesn't want to act like nothing happened. Her daughter is gone and right now her pain is the only thing that proves she even existed. Her numbness is the only thing that connect them in some way.

Before...before regional she was always just there, inside her. And now, the void she left is killing her.

And Beth doesn't even know it. The worst part being, it's better this way. There's nothing she can do about it.

Life's a bitch. But she can't just wait here and suffer until the world ends.

She has to do something. But what ?

Her future had always been so bright, and now it just seems scary.

_When I'm all alone the dreaming stops_  
_And I just can't stand_

**_What should I do ? I'm just a little baby_**  
_What if the lights go out and maybe_  
_And then the wind just starts to moan_  
_Outside the door he followed me home_

_[_Shivaree- Goodnight Moon]

Review always make the autor smiles :)


	3. Baby Steps

Hello readers, here's a new chapter. Sorry but Mike will be in the next one, I promise.

Thanks to everyone who reviewed or put the story in alert :)

And a big thanks to my beta-reader, dax-fox !

* * *

She starts small. Baby steps.

Today she is going with her mom to the closest IKEA store. The car ride is OK... not too awkward or anything, and destiny helps a little: there's a Journey revival on the radio. She even manages to smile; just a little.

But once they got there things get more difficult for Quinn. There are a lot of people:

Families.

Kids.

Babies.

Happy young couples buying adorable tiny beds for their new born children, and oh god, it hurt Quinn to watch them.

Because they could be doing this. They could have turned her sister's bedroom into a nursery. She could be this girl laughing and wanting to buy every pink stuffs in the world for her newborn princess.

But no. She's lying to herself. A nursery and pink stuffs are not enough to turn the Fabray's house into a home or to her into a mom. She's just a broken teenager. Beth deserves better. Way much better. Plus the hand of the man around his young wife's waist reminds her painfully of something else she's not able to give to her daughter.

Suddenly everything around her is just too loud. She feels dizzy and she doesn't give a fuck about the different sorts of woods for her desk. She just wants out and chooses as quickly as she can.

She somehow makes it out of there without screaming her head off. It's not really a success but it's a start. At least that's what she keeps telling herself afterwards, hoping to finally be able to believe it, because it's all about faith, right? _You have to believe it._

Soon, she can't even bear her not-empty room anymore. She feels caged in by it all, when it should have felt like home. She decides that her plan to just say there and wait for... whatever, something to happen, is no good.

It was a Sunday morning when she finally decides to go out on her own. Her mom's in the kitchen and whatever she's cooking smells good, but not as good as her mom's incredulous expression when she watches Quinn passing her by and walking through the door.

_Birds flying high you know how I feel_

_Sun in the sky you know how I feel_

_Breeze driftin' on by you know how I feel_

It's a sunny morning. Well, of course, it's the summer holiday after all. But she hadn't realised until now just how bright and sunny it is. She starts noticing stupid little things she almost forgot existed. From the emerald green of the grass, the pleasant brush of the wind on her fair skin to the cheerful chirping of birds high up in the trees. It feels good. It's not a rebirth; it's something else, some curious feeling. Like her body has came back to life. **But** her mind is still stuck in some dark place.

_It's a new dawn_

_It's a new day_

_It's a new life_

_For me_

_And I'm feeling good_

So lost is she in her own thoughts, she doesn't realise where her feet have taken her: Mercedes' home. She feels kind of stupid, just standing in front of it. The truth is, she has no idea if Mercedes is here or if she left for the vacation. She's sure they talked about it at some point... but she can't remember. _Whatever_, she ends up knocking at her new BFF's home.

"Quinn?"Mercedes mom seems surprised as she opens up the door.

"Hi Mrs J, is Mercedes here?" Quinn answers, trying to sound cheerful.

"She left with her dad two days ago for California. She told me about...you know, how you haven't been returning her phone calls and she's mentioned feeling worried about you. Are you alright Quinnie?"

Of course she's not alright, she wants to yell. However, as she is still trying to play at a cheerful charade, for Mrs J she shrugs. "I'm... coping."

"That's good," nods the older woman.

"Can I come in? I think I forgot my mp3 player here."

That's a lie. Her father threw away her brand new IPod with the rest of her stuff. She just needed an excuse to come in.

"Of course Quinnie, you're always welcome here." It makes Quinn feel more comfortable to hear the motherly tones in the woman's voice.

"Thanks." She replies, a weak smile playing on her lips. She climbs the stair to Mercedes' brother's room_, her room_ until a short while ago. It's exactly how she left it, and this thought is strangely comforting. She sits on the bed and just stares at the familiar place; the kaki wallpaper and the old school rap and NBA poster on it; even the broken Playstation in the corner, and the ruffled med books on the shelf and the CD's on the floor are comforting. She loves this place. It's definetly a boy's room, but she feels more at home here than in her own newly redecoreted bedroom.

Sitting here, right now, for the first time since she left the hospital, she feels at home. But she can't stay, despite Mrs Jones kind and polite invitation. _Whatever, it's time to cut the crap_. She starts searching under the bed and her hand quickly reaches what she's been looking for: Mercedes' brother's old CD walkman. In the same hurried fashion she picks up some old Eminem album from the floor and hides everything under her thin jacket, before running down the stairs.

"Bye Mrs J thanks a lot I found it!" She cries before the older woman has time to join her in the hall. Before Mrs Jones even begins to answer, Quinn runs through the door, and keeps running.

_Fish in the sea you know how I feel_

_River running free you know how I feel_

_blossom in the trees you know how I feel_

_It's a new dawn_

_It's a new day_

_It's a new life_

_For me_

_And I'm feeling good_

_Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean, don't you know_

_Butterflies all havin' fun you know what I mean_

_Sleep in peace when day is done_

_And this old world is a new world_

_And a bold world_

_For me_

_Stars when you shine you know how I feel_

_Scent of the pine you know how I feel_

_Oh freedom is mine_

_And you know how I feel_

_It's a new dawn_

_It's a new day_

_It's a new life_

_For me_

_And I'm feeling good _

**Review, please.** It takes you less than a minute and makes the author happy :)


	4. Running Into You

Hello everyone, here's the new chapter. It's longer than the other and there's (finally !) Mike Chang in it :)

Hope you'll enjoy it.

And thanks to my beta-reader dax-fox.

* * *

**Running into you**

She runs until she can't breathe.

She runs until her whole body is aching. But for the first time it's not pain she's feeling. Her face must be flushed scarlet and she'd rather not think of the mess her hair must be in. But the adrenaline, still running through her veins, makes her feel so... free.

The speed, and the wind on her skin, even the way it hurt felt wonderful; it was like she was flying.

She can't have her perfect life back. Never. No matter what Mr Shue says.

She will never get her perfect family back. Never. No matter how hard her mom tries to make it work.

Let's not even talk about her reputation (And please don't mention her boyfriend).

She will never be a virgin again either. But there's something she can control. Something she can get back. Just like before, or even better; something so simple:

Her body.

So she continues to run, every morning without fail. It helps her sleeps at night and even helps her to think more clearly. Or not to think as the case maybe, she's not sure. But it helps either way.

Each morning, she chooses one CD among the ones she stole from Jason's room, securely fixes the walkman into her jacket inner's pocket, and once she jams the headphones in her ears, it's on.

And she runs.

Leaving everything behind, she runs.

She doesn't know how long or how far she goes. She doesn't care. She just runs until her body hurts too much for her to keep going on. And it helps. Eminem's anger speaks to her own; although she does have to skip all the songs about his daughter. But it helps. She feels stronger. She still won't talk to Puck and she's keeping her interaction with her mom to the strict minimum.

But it helps. She's coping. This time it's true.

"Quinnie darling, Mr Shuester's here. He'd like to see you, if you're okay with it."

She nods. It's not the first time Mr Shue has stopped by her house since the whole regional thing, but it's the first time she has agreed to see him. She feels stronger now. _Yes, she's stronger_ she tells herself, one last time before entering the living room and facing her Spanish teacher.

He doesn't do a good job at hiding his surprise but he also seems genuinely happy to see her.

"Hi Quinn. You seem..." _Pale ? Messy ? Sick ? Ugly ? Fat ?_

"..good", achieves Mr S with a smile.

She's better at hiding her surprise than he is. Once a Cheerio, always a lying manipulative bitch, right?

"Thanks", she even manages to utter, "Why are you here?"

"To...check on you. Your fellow glee clubbers have been worried, you know? All of them, we've been having summer glee club sessions. Not proper work though, no assignments or that kind of stuff. Just a gathering for the ones who didn't left. We sing and dance. It's all very casual. You should come. We would all be very happy if you did." She just looks down, not knowing what to say.

"Please, at least say you will think about it."

She smiles. "I'll think about it Mr Shue."

She's standing all alone in her bathroom in front of the giant mirror. She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath before letting the towel covering her nudity drop on the floor. It takes all her courage to have the guts to open her eyes. But she does it. Slowly she examines every inch of her body; she doesn't stop until she has spotted every ounce of fatness and every single stretch mark. Some part of her just wishes she could circle all of them in red so everybody could see just how ugly she is, but she pushes this crazy thought away and carries on her with her daily routine.

Today she left for her run a little earlier than usual. Its 6:30 and she's listening to Brain Damage from the Slim Shady LP. She goes out through the back door to be sure not to wake up her mom, and as sunlight falls on her skin she decides it's early enough for it to be safe to pass by the park. She generally refused to go there because it was too close to Puck's house and one of his favourite hanging out places to boot (and it also happens to be where he lost the big V to Santana). But today it feels like a good idea.

She's at the middle of the CD when she gets there, and at the first repeat she tries to raise the volume, when she suddenly runs into another early runner.

"Fuck!"

The impact's pretty violent. Her (Jason's) walkman falls on the grass while she falls on her ass a little further off, the headphones still wedged in her ears. However all of that isn't as violent as the shock she feels when she recognises the voice of the other runner.

"Gee Q, are you okay?" asks a very concerned Mike Chang. He offers her his arm, like a perfect gentleman, to help her get back on her feet; she accepts it gratefully trying not to fall and to focus on something to say. But the stupid wifebeater he's wearing isn't really helping her to concentrate. And she can't just stare at his arm without saying anything. It will be too embarrassing.

"I guess," she manages to answer still confused.

"Do you want to sit for a while maybe?" He asks, concern still clearly showing on his face, without releasing her hand.

She nods before remembering..."Wait! My Walkman!"

"Oh, go sit I'll get it for you, ok?" Before letting her go to the nearest bench he squeezes her hand and strangely, strangely, she finds it comforting. It just seems so natural, she wonders if he even realises what he just did.

Strangely she obeys, and goes to sit down like a good girl. She's way too confused about the fact that the first person who touches her in weeks is Mike Chang and that, strangely, she doesn't mind, to resist him.

"So what's your deal Quinn?" he says, sitting next to her.

She looks up to meet his eyes, and she knows she must look as confused as Brittanny when she's in algebra class (or to be honest, any class).

"What do you mean?" She asks, still feeling a tad bewildered.

"I mean what's your deal with the old school stuff? A walkman and a rap CD released before the 21st century. I would never have pictured you as an Eminem fan..."

She laughs, one of those irrepressible fits of laughter. She feels a little stupid, but more than that, she feels relieved. What was she so afraid of? Their conversation is just so...normal, light. Even his teasing is pleasant.

"Hey what's so funny Q?" he seems a little anxious that she might be mocking him.

"Nothing", she says with a bright smile. He smiles back, and it feels good.

"It's not mine actually; the walkman and everything. I stole it from Mercedes brother's room. It's my running music though. Please don't tell anyone."

"By anyone, I assume you mean our fellows glee clubbers, the ones you've made a point of avoiding since the beginning of the summer."

"Kind of."

"Don't worry Queen, your secret's safe with me," he says with a little chivalrous bow that makes her burst into another amazingly gleeful fit of laughter. He used to call her Queen before; it was some kind of private nickname, joke or whatever. Most other people just thought he still had trouble speaking English, but she knew exactly what it meant. Or at least she thought so.

"So I guess you've been going to Shue's summer glee," she says after a while.

"Yes. Everybody misses you there. I missed you. There's no one to stop Rachel anymore, she's...worst than usual, can you even imagine that?"

"Not sure I want to. It sounds scary..."

"You have no idea." he says in a dramatic tone.

"You're not really making me want to come."

He shrugs. "That's ok. Right now I've got you all to myself anyway. Plus I know you're gonna come eventually. By the way, did you get our texts?"

"How could I not? You guys harassed me for weeks! I even got some from Rachel! Oh, and, do you have any idea how scary Brittany's spelling is?"

"Actually, yes, she tried to sext me once. It was even more awful than Rachel's personality."

"Ew!" They both start laughing again.

"Like you said. Anyway, did you get _my_ texts?"

"Yes," she answers in a lower voice. "They were really sweet, even though I didn't read all of them. I'm sorry. I'm also sorry I didn't answer any of them."

"You didn't have to, Q," he says, putting a comforting hand on her shoulder. "Answer I mean. Don't be sorry, ok? Those texts were mostly to let you know you're not alone; that we're here for you."

Tears start welling in her eyes. It feels like she's been holding them back for such a long time that she can't do it any longer. Soon the familiar salty taste is there again, and before she can understand what's happening she's crying on Mike Chang's white tank top and holding him tight. She can feel his hands on her back, his fingers tracing circles on her shoulder-blades, his breathe on her neck and his voice whispering sweet things in her ear.

"It's gonna be ok, Queen. I'm here for you. Everything's gonna be ok. You've got the right to cry, don't hold back. You're gonna feel better afterwards. I'm here. It's ok."

She almost believes him, she most defiantly wants to. When she finally stops, he doesn't let her go right away. He keeps his arms around her a little longer, and she keeps resting her head on his torso and hiding her face in his (now wet) wifebeater.

"A little longer and I was gonna sing you Mocking Bird," he says gently, breaking the looks up at him in a way that makes him understand he just said something really stupid.

"What? It's an Eminem song; I thought it was your thing now?"

"I skip all the songs about his daughters," she explains, avoiding his eyes.

"I'm sorry Queen. So sorry..."

"Don't be. It's okay. _I'm_ okay; just glad you didn't sing it." He smiles and it's contagious. Looking at his curled lips she realises just how close they are now. With a blush on her face, she gently removes herself from his embrace.

"Do you feel better?" he asks, genuinely concerned.

"I guess so," she nods.

"Do you want me to walk you home or something? You shouldn't run right now."

"I don't...don't really want to go home," she says in a voice which betrayed a little too much her sadness for her liking.

"It's ok. We can just stay here, or I can leave you alone if you want, or we could go see if something's already open in town and get a latte or whatever."

"The last one sounds like a plan"

They end up at the local fast-food restaurant. It was the only thing that opened this early in Lima. There's no pancakes or latte, so they both take milkshakes (she has to elbow him very hard so he gives up on his crazy idea to order a cheeseburger this early), and go sit in this practically desolate place.

"So why were you running so early?" she asks between two sips of her drink.

"Well, now that Kurt has left us I'm the skinniest guy on the football team again. Figured, I would work on it during the holiday. Plus I actually like to run."

"Are you stupid? You're super fine like you are. Please don't become like Karofsky or something." He laughs, and she can't help but blush a little at what she just said.

"Thanks, Q. Don't worry, even if I tried to, I would never become like Karofsky. I've got the weirdest metabolism ever. Even when I work out and eat like crazy I don't gain muscles or weight, I just...well look," he says showing her his arm. "It's like I'm unable to grow muscles, they just carve themselves more or something. I get stronger but it doesn't show."

She finds herself trying not to blush or stare once again. "Do I really have to point out that any girl would be super happy to have your metabolism?"

"Whatever. Why were _you_ running so early Queen?"

"Well, I was the most pregnant girl on the Cheerios team..."she mocks.

"Are you serious?"

"Kind of. I want my body back. But I guess I also miss the daily training and the way it used to make me feel after, when all my body was so sore that I could feel every inch of it. Like I was more alive; now you must think I'm crazy."

"Not at all. In some strange way, I get it. But you don't need that to be beautiful, Queen."

She looks down and for a while they don't say anything.

"Please come to glee, Quinn," he says in a soft voice, so soft it makes her shivers.

Then their conversation goes back to casual and humorous subjects; like their running habits and her new found passion for rap. When the place gets a little too crowded, they leave and she allows him to walk her home. Just before she opens the door, he catches her arm.

"Wait!"

She turns back to face him. He looks down, and his hand follows the same way until it softly reaches her own hand; like he is afraid to break her, like he's somehow ashamed of grabbing her so suddenly.

"You're sure you're ok Queen?" He says, finally looking up to meet her flashes him a small smile and nods.

"I'm feeling better."

This time it's true. Not like all the times her mom asked her this very same question.

"Thank you," she adds and she hopes he understands that what she really means is 'thanks to you'.

"Please come to glee today," he asks again, before letting go of her hand.

"I will," she says.

But she doesn't. She's too afraid, instead she texts him.

_Sorry._

She doesn't have to wait long for the answer.

_I told you: don't be sorry Queen._

The next morning she isn't very surprised when, coming home after her daily run, she gets another text from him:

_Mr Shue's place, 4pm. If u don't come i'll drag u there myself._

_In that case u better get ready 2 come pick me up. Don't be late.Q_

_

* * *

_Thoughts ? Any comment ?

HELP : Could someone please tell me more about Ohio and the american school system ? I'm french and I don't want to make mistakes. Plus there's a lot of things you don't find on the internet. Like is there lake in Ohio ? How much hours of class do you have in highschool ? I know we dont have the same class.

Thanks :)


End file.
